Because you probably wouldn't even believe the ludicrousness of the date itself, I'll hit the highlights with some dos and don'ts for dating:
- DON'T deride my musical taste: I'm sure at some point I could appreciate the deep, philosophical sentiments behind Blink182's masterpieces, so why can't you even try to understand why I like what I like?
- DON'T try to seduce me with your physical abnormalities: The fact that you lied about having all of your own hair is bad enough. Telling me that you have a bald spot with a mole that you've named after yourself that you sometimes play with is hardly the stuff to propel me to a lusty mood.
- DON'T make up a fake psychological condition to explain behavior that might be construed as forward: Saying that you have "idle hands syndrome" and that you sometimes just can't help touching me -- and then demonstrating that by touching my back -- is like claiming that you have Asberger's to explain away your cussing. Fortunately I think the elbow you almost took to your face drove this point home.
- DON'T use racially charged-words: Here's a hint -- if you have to look around to see if any African Americans are around, it's probably not an appropriate thing to say.
- DO ask me something about myself: Listening to you prattle on about yourself for five hours straight (with welcome distractions from the play we attended) is pretty boring.
On second thought, bring it on. Maybe I can write a book about my horrendous dating experiences and then sell the movie rights. I'll make sure you're played by Paul Reubens. Or Mel Gibson since you two seem to have a lot in common and he could use the work.
