Incompatibility

Date update: I did go out with the previously mentioned guy again and decided that it was time to move on. I sent him an email yesterday and was surprised by how hard it was and how sad I was to do it.

The reason? There's nothing wrong with him and I didn't want him to think that I thought there was. (Parse that sentence!) I mean apart from the slight resemblence to Ben Linus/Rorshach (I seriously wanted him to growl "All the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us" and I'll whisper "No"), he's not a bad-looking guy. He's employed, has his own apartment in a nice part of town and actually finished school. He seems like a genuinely nice guy who is interested in a serious relationship and would totally treat his partner with respect.

But, I just couldn't get past the fact that we don't really have anything in common. His idea of a good time is wearing his Democrat t-shirt to a gun show. I'm apolitical. (And before anyone takes this the wrong way, I care deeply about the issues, but I think politicians are a bunch of corrupt, egotistical jerks that are in it for the fame.) I love to be outdoors. He ... works a lot. I love to read. He ... works a lot. At work, we drink rum in Friday afternoon meetings. He doesn't drink period.

Would it have made a difference if he looked like Johnny Depp? Possibly for a few dates. But in the long run, he would have kept giving me odd looks when I ordered wine (seriously -- it was like OMG, she's drinking a chardonnay. She must be an Alcoholic!!) And I would be wanting to listen to Metallica in the car, while he's insisting on something country. And I would never, ever find out how Lost ends.

So I'm trying not to be so antisocial and actually try to date. Which is turning out to be quite humorous. Most of the people who indicate any interest whatsoever are completely logistically impossible -- they are either 24 or in Singapore or Brazil. Then there was one guy who seemed kind of like a good fit until he started emailing me every hour on the hour about some historical event that occurred on the day. Needless to say, I blocked him.

I finally started emailing with someone who didn't seem like a complete idiot and so I agreed to meet him for coffee last night. And I'm still not sure what I think about him.

First of all, his pictures don't look anything like him. In the photos, he appears to have dark hair. In person, he has red hair or at least reddish blond. He's sort of a cross between Ben Linus from Lost and Rorshach without the mask. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not really my type.

Secondly, he announced about 30 minutes into the date that he doesn't drink. I'm not sure that bodes well for any long term relationship. First of all, I like my wine and mojitos and I have no intention of giving those up. Secondly, if he's actually AA or something, there's typically a lot of baggage associated with that the I don't want to deal with. I've dated an addict before and it's not fun.

Finally, well, I was just kind of bored. In fairness, I'm not 100% sure that was his fault. I have a pretty limited attention span and we were basically sitting at a Starbucks for two hours. I don't know that anyone is interesting enough for that NOT to get boring. But after about the first hour, all I could think of was an urgent desire to go home and re-watch True Blood. (I've been reading some hilarious recaps online.)

So I spent about two hours with this guy and I still don't really know much about him. He regaled me with tales of being an HR manager and recounted some stories from his childhood. But I don't feel like I know enough about who he is as a human to completely discount him, and I too inexperienced with dating to know if I'm expecting too much from a first date.

Should there be sparks? Should I be enraptured with his conversation? Or is this just how two people get to know each other? And why, oh why, do I get Ben Linus instead of Eddie Blake?

Bringing Back Reality

Lately I've been criticized for not thinking big enough and being the wet blanket that quashes everyone's brilliant plans. While this may be true, my perception is that I'm the only realistic one who actually thinks through the logistics. And some things just can't be done.

Part of the issue is that I'm in advertising for pharmaceuticals, so there are legal restrictions everywhere. My particular client is absolutely paranoid about anything involving personal information, so all of those clever applications and gadgets are right out the window. And one of my bosses is big on personalizing things -- how can we ever do that if we can't use personal information?

Of course, when I bring this up, I get accused of not being able to think beyond Web sites. I just need to know where the line is between realism and pessimism.

Lessons Learned

I haven't posted much lately, because I've been in a bit of a funk, and nobody wants to read about that. I don't mind being self-refelctive though. So, because I've been accused of being a Pollyanna, I'm going to try to find the positive through some lessons that I've learned:

1.) Tigers don't change their stripes and if they insist that they have, demand proof that it's not a dye job. I'm not saying people can't change, but they have to really want to, and then it's probably going to be a real effort to maintain it. And most people (including me) don't have that much energy.

The corollary to this is that no matter how badly you want to believe it, you can't make other people change. You can't force emotions where they don't exist.

2.) Whatever wrongs you think other people have done to you, you've probably done the same things or worse to them or someone else, a lot of times when you didn't even mean to. It's time to forgive -- yourself and them.

3.) The joy in life comes in small things. Dennis Leary made a comment about this years ago -- that expecting continual happiness just isn't realistic. Things aren't always going to turn out the way you want, so just enjoy what you can. Yesterday, I managed to squeeze both Skid Row and Robert Johnson into a conversation. No, it didn't make up for the two-hour flight delay, but it made a couple of people (including me) smile.

4.) No matter how bad you think your life sucks, there is someone probably right next to you who has it worse. So have some compassion for others, put on your big girl panties and get over it.

None of this is new, but sometimes I just need to remind myself and if it's helpful to anyone else, then that's a bonus.