Every now and then, I get a little twinge of moral dilemma -- or maybe it's a burgeoning mid-life crisis -- that I'm not doing enough with my life. Don't get me wrong, all in all, I have a pretty good life, my one major tragedy exluded. But sometimes when I'm supposed to be pushing another pixel around, I dream of doing something that would leave the world a better place.
Now, I know this probably happens to everyone, but it's happening to me more and more these days. I think about creating, expanding or documenting knowledge to pass along to future generations and it just seems, well, like something worthwhile.
But I have responsilities that I can't just walk away from. My four legged kids depend on me for their welfare and let's face it, they're my familly. My parents are getting older and I worry about being too far from them. And I love the fact that I see my youngest niece and nephew at least once a week and have a great relationship with them.
So I'll just keep pushing the pixels during the day for now and dream big at night. At the very least, I can expand my own knowledge so if there ever is a chance, I'll be ready!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The Huntress
My cat is a born hunter. Which isn't always a bad thing. I can pretty much rule out ever having to worry about rats or mice. And she usually takes out any June bugs pretty quickly as well.
But then there's the other critters. As a mostly-vegetarian-who-eats-fish and who does it out of a guilty conscience rather than for health reasons, I have major animal death issues. So suffice it to say that I was disturbed the first time my cat brought a snake into the house through the doggy door and proceeded to play with it. Now I'm not a snake fan. In fact, I'm one of those people who have nightmares about the floor being covered with snakes and there's no way for me to cross it. But it's still a living creature and doesn't really deserve to be tossed about like a, well, catnip mouse.
Needless to say, if I can catch her with one that's still alive, I'll get it away from her and put it in the front yard where it has a chance to get away. Same with geckos and other lizards that she catches.
Last night, my cat ramped it up to a whole new level with a bird. I know you shouldn't like animals better just because they're cute and cuddly, but there it is. The bird just broke my heart. And I know that it's in my cat's nature to hunt and that she's not doing it because she's a cold-hearted killer, but that didn't make me feel any better. All I could think of was "why oh why did I give up red wine for Lent??????"
But then there's the other critters. As a mostly-vegetarian-who-eats-fish and who does it out of a guilty conscience rather than for health reasons, I have major animal death issues. So suffice it to say that I was disturbed the first time my cat brought a snake into the house through the doggy door and proceeded to play with it. Now I'm not a snake fan. In fact, I'm one of those people who have nightmares about the floor being covered with snakes and there's no way for me to cross it. But it's still a living creature and doesn't really deserve to be tossed about like a, well, catnip mouse.
Needless to say, if I can catch her with one that's still alive, I'll get it away from her and put it in the front yard where it has a chance to get away. Same with geckos and other lizards that she catches.
Last night, my cat ramped it up to a whole new level with a bird. I know you shouldn't like animals better just because they're cute and cuddly, but there it is. The bird just broke my heart. And I know that it's in my cat's nature to hunt and that she's not doing it because she's a cold-hearted killer, but that didn't make me feel any better. All I could think of was "why oh why did I give up red wine for Lent??????"
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tell me why this is a land of confusion...
It's been forever since I've written anything here, and for a while my excuse was that I was too busy, then it was that I was too confused, and now, even though I'm both, I'm thinking this may help.
So to start with, I'm re-entering the dating world for the first time in a little over 10 years. (I'm considering the end of my previous dating about the time that my husband and I became exclusive and not including the nightmare of an evening that happened about 3 years ago as an actual date.) My shrink (of all people!) talked me into eHarmony because she felt that it would help me weed out some of the freaks. (Hah! You can tell she's never been on there!)
So despite my initial trepidation, I set up a profile and proceeded to receive communiques from gentleman after gentleman with handlebar mustaches whose pride and joy is their grandkids. Uh, yeah? Hello? Still wanting my own family here. I finally got an email from someone who is actually younger than me who seemed kind of interesting and I agreed to go on an actual date.
We followed all of the protocols -- met in a public place during the day -- and spent a couple of hours talking and watching some idiots make fools of themselves playing Rock Band. I managed to escape with a minimal amount of stranger-touching-me anxiety and both agreed that we had a good time. Since then, I've had a couple of really random text messages and that's it. In fact, I had one this morning. "Hey there." I happened to be getting ready for work when it arrived (at 7:50 in the morning) so my response was a little delayed, but since then? Nothing. Is this how people communicate these days? I'm tempted to think he's blowing me off, but if so, why does he keep texting? Gah!!!!!
So if that wasn't enough drama for someone whose most intense moment of the week is normally how badly I'll get my ass kicked in my karate class, I have an ex-boyfriend emailing me. He found me on Facebook, which wouldn't seem all that unusual except that he searched for me by my maiden name. Since it's (a) not really Smith and (b) long and hard to pronounce and spell, I'm guessing he really wanted to find me.
After we split up more than 15 years ago, I really, really hated him. I gradually came to realize that I was just as much to blame for my pain in that our relationship was 90% in my head. And we kept running into each other because our lives seem to be inexplicably intertwined. (We were both significantly impacted by the same college professor who is the brother of the guy who owns the bar where my husband worked.)
So now, we're emailing each other once or twice daily. Which was fine. That's definitely within my anti-social comfort level. Plus, because he knows what I've been through and vice versa, we're both aware of how broken we are in many ways. Then, today, he asked me out. Sort of. Again, I can't really tell. He's already asked me to go see The Watchmen with him but that was supposed to be because I'm the only other person he knows who has actually read the graphic novel. And he proposed at some point going to see Slum Dog since we're probably the only two people in North America who haven't seen it. But this morning, he suggested seeing Coraline. Tonight or tomorrow night. Yep, that's right, less than 24 hours notice. So that would suggest that it's NOT a date, right?
Fortunately (or not, I'm not sure!), I can't do either. I'm getting my ashes tonight, which I really need to do because I've given up red wine for Lent and I NEED to make it official. Tomorrow night, my niece is in town, who I haven't seen in a couple of months, and we're going to dinner.
So we'll see what, if anything happens, with either of these situations. Frankly, I'm just ready to get on a plane to go dig in Italy.
So to start with, I'm re-entering the dating world for the first time in a little over 10 years. (I'm considering the end of my previous dating about the time that my husband and I became exclusive and not including the nightmare of an evening that happened about 3 years ago as an actual date.) My shrink (of all people!) talked me into eHarmony because she felt that it would help me weed out some of the freaks. (Hah! You can tell she's never been on there!)
So despite my initial trepidation, I set up a profile and proceeded to receive communiques from gentleman after gentleman with handlebar mustaches whose pride and joy is their grandkids. Uh, yeah? Hello? Still wanting my own family here. I finally got an email from someone who is actually younger than me who seemed kind of interesting and I agreed to go on an actual date.
We followed all of the protocols -- met in a public place during the day -- and spent a couple of hours talking and watching some idiots make fools of themselves playing Rock Band. I managed to escape with a minimal amount of stranger-touching-me anxiety and both agreed that we had a good time. Since then, I've had a couple of really random text messages and that's it. In fact, I had one this morning. "Hey there." I happened to be getting ready for work when it arrived (at 7:50 in the morning) so my response was a little delayed, but since then? Nothing. Is this how people communicate these days? I'm tempted to think he's blowing me off, but if so, why does he keep texting? Gah!!!!!
So if that wasn't enough drama for someone whose most intense moment of the week is normally how badly I'll get my ass kicked in my karate class, I have an ex-boyfriend emailing me. He found me on Facebook, which wouldn't seem all that unusual except that he searched for me by my maiden name. Since it's (a) not really Smith and (b) long and hard to pronounce and spell, I'm guessing he really wanted to find me.
After we split up more than 15 years ago, I really, really hated him. I gradually came to realize that I was just as much to blame for my pain in that our relationship was 90% in my head. And we kept running into each other because our lives seem to be inexplicably intertwined. (We were both significantly impacted by the same college professor who is the brother of the guy who owns the bar where my husband worked.)
So now, we're emailing each other once or twice daily. Which was fine. That's definitely within my anti-social comfort level. Plus, because he knows what I've been through and vice versa, we're both aware of how broken we are in many ways. Then, today, he asked me out. Sort of. Again, I can't really tell. He's already asked me to go see The Watchmen with him but that was supposed to be because I'm the only other person he knows who has actually read the graphic novel. And he proposed at some point going to see Slum Dog since we're probably the only two people in North America who haven't seen it. But this morning, he suggested seeing Coraline. Tonight or tomorrow night. Yep, that's right, less than 24 hours notice. So that would suggest that it's NOT a date, right?
Fortunately (or not, I'm not sure!), I can't do either. I'm getting my ashes tonight, which I really need to do because I've given up red wine for Lent and I NEED to make it official. Tomorrow night, my niece is in town, who I haven't seen in a couple of months, and we're going to dinner.
So we'll see what, if anything happens, with either of these situations. Frankly, I'm just ready to get on a plane to go dig in Italy.
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