Every now and then, I get a little twinge of moral dilemma -- or maybe it's a burgeoning mid-life crisis -- that I'm not doing enough with my life. Don't get me wrong, all in all, I have a pretty good life, my one major tragedy exluded. But sometimes when I'm supposed to be pushing another pixel around, I dream of doing something that would leave the world a better place.
Now, I know this probably happens to everyone, but it's happening to me more and more these days. I think about creating, expanding or documenting knowledge to pass along to future generations and it just seems, well, like something worthwhile.
But I have responsilities that I can't just walk away from. My four legged kids depend on me for their welfare and let's face it, they're my familly. My parents are getting older and I worry about being too far from them. And I love the fact that I see my youngest niece and nephew at least once a week and have a great relationship with them.
So I'll just keep pushing the pixels during the day for now and dream big at night. At the very least, I can expand my own knowledge so if there ever is a chance, I'll be ready!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The Huntress
My cat is a born hunter. Which isn't always a bad thing. I can pretty much rule out ever having to worry about rats or mice. And she usually takes out any June bugs pretty quickly as well.
But then there's the other critters. As a mostly-vegetarian-who-eats-fish and who does it out of a guilty conscience rather than for health reasons, I have major animal death issues. So suffice it to say that I was disturbed the first time my cat brought a snake into the house through the doggy door and proceeded to play with it. Now I'm not a snake fan. In fact, I'm one of those people who have nightmares about the floor being covered with snakes and there's no way for me to cross it. But it's still a living creature and doesn't really deserve to be tossed about like a, well, catnip mouse.
Needless to say, if I can catch her with one that's still alive, I'll get it away from her and put it in the front yard where it has a chance to get away. Same with geckos and other lizards that she catches.
Last night, my cat ramped it up to a whole new level with a bird. I know you shouldn't like animals better just because they're cute and cuddly, but there it is. The bird just broke my heart. And I know that it's in my cat's nature to hunt and that she's not doing it because she's a cold-hearted killer, but that didn't make me feel any better. All I could think of was "why oh why did I give up red wine for Lent??????"
But then there's the other critters. As a mostly-vegetarian-who-eats-fish and who does it out of a guilty conscience rather than for health reasons, I have major animal death issues. So suffice it to say that I was disturbed the first time my cat brought a snake into the house through the doggy door and proceeded to play with it. Now I'm not a snake fan. In fact, I'm one of those people who have nightmares about the floor being covered with snakes and there's no way for me to cross it. But it's still a living creature and doesn't really deserve to be tossed about like a, well, catnip mouse.
Needless to say, if I can catch her with one that's still alive, I'll get it away from her and put it in the front yard where it has a chance to get away. Same with geckos and other lizards that she catches.
Last night, my cat ramped it up to a whole new level with a bird. I know you shouldn't like animals better just because they're cute and cuddly, but there it is. The bird just broke my heart. And I know that it's in my cat's nature to hunt and that she's not doing it because she's a cold-hearted killer, but that didn't make me feel any better. All I could think of was "why oh why did I give up red wine for Lent??????"
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tell me why this is a land of confusion...
It's been forever since I've written anything here, and for a while my excuse was that I was too busy, then it was that I was too confused, and now, even though I'm both, I'm thinking this may help.
So to start with, I'm re-entering the dating world for the first time in a little over 10 years. (I'm considering the end of my previous dating about the time that my husband and I became exclusive and not including the nightmare of an evening that happened about 3 years ago as an actual date.) My shrink (of all people!) talked me into eHarmony because she felt that it would help me weed out some of the freaks. (Hah! You can tell she's never been on there!)
So despite my initial trepidation, I set up a profile and proceeded to receive communiques from gentleman after gentleman with handlebar mustaches whose pride and joy is their grandkids. Uh, yeah? Hello? Still wanting my own family here. I finally got an email from someone who is actually younger than me who seemed kind of interesting and I agreed to go on an actual date.
We followed all of the protocols -- met in a public place during the day -- and spent a couple of hours talking and watching some idiots make fools of themselves playing Rock Band. I managed to escape with a minimal amount of stranger-touching-me anxiety and both agreed that we had a good time. Since then, I've had a couple of really random text messages and that's it. In fact, I had one this morning. "Hey there." I happened to be getting ready for work when it arrived (at 7:50 in the morning) so my response was a little delayed, but since then? Nothing. Is this how people communicate these days? I'm tempted to think he's blowing me off, but if so, why does he keep texting? Gah!!!!!
So if that wasn't enough drama for someone whose most intense moment of the week is normally how badly I'll get my ass kicked in my karate class, I have an ex-boyfriend emailing me. He found me on Facebook, which wouldn't seem all that unusual except that he searched for me by my maiden name. Since it's (a) not really Smith and (b) long and hard to pronounce and spell, I'm guessing he really wanted to find me.
After we split up more than 15 years ago, I really, really hated him. I gradually came to realize that I was just as much to blame for my pain in that our relationship was 90% in my head. And we kept running into each other because our lives seem to be inexplicably intertwined. (We were both significantly impacted by the same college professor who is the brother of the guy who owns the bar where my husband worked.)
So now, we're emailing each other once or twice daily. Which was fine. That's definitely within my anti-social comfort level. Plus, because he knows what I've been through and vice versa, we're both aware of how broken we are in many ways. Then, today, he asked me out. Sort of. Again, I can't really tell. He's already asked me to go see The Watchmen with him but that was supposed to be because I'm the only other person he knows who has actually read the graphic novel. And he proposed at some point going to see Slum Dog since we're probably the only two people in North America who haven't seen it. But this morning, he suggested seeing Coraline. Tonight or tomorrow night. Yep, that's right, less than 24 hours notice. So that would suggest that it's NOT a date, right?
Fortunately (or not, I'm not sure!), I can't do either. I'm getting my ashes tonight, which I really need to do because I've given up red wine for Lent and I NEED to make it official. Tomorrow night, my niece is in town, who I haven't seen in a couple of months, and we're going to dinner.
So we'll see what, if anything happens, with either of these situations. Frankly, I'm just ready to get on a plane to go dig in Italy.
So to start with, I'm re-entering the dating world for the first time in a little over 10 years. (I'm considering the end of my previous dating about the time that my husband and I became exclusive and not including the nightmare of an evening that happened about 3 years ago as an actual date.) My shrink (of all people!) talked me into eHarmony because she felt that it would help me weed out some of the freaks. (Hah! You can tell she's never been on there!)
So despite my initial trepidation, I set up a profile and proceeded to receive communiques from gentleman after gentleman with handlebar mustaches whose pride and joy is their grandkids. Uh, yeah? Hello? Still wanting my own family here. I finally got an email from someone who is actually younger than me who seemed kind of interesting and I agreed to go on an actual date.
We followed all of the protocols -- met in a public place during the day -- and spent a couple of hours talking and watching some idiots make fools of themselves playing Rock Band. I managed to escape with a minimal amount of stranger-touching-me anxiety and both agreed that we had a good time. Since then, I've had a couple of really random text messages and that's it. In fact, I had one this morning. "Hey there." I happened to be getting ready for work when it arrived (at 7:50 in the morning) so my response was a little delayed, but since then? Nothing. Is this how people communicate these days? I'm tempted to think he's blowing me off, but if so, why does he keep texting? Gah!!!!!
So if that wasn't enough drama for someone whose most intense moment of the week is normally how badly I'll get my ass kicked in my karate class, I have an ex-boyfriend emailing me. He found me on Facebook, which wouldn't seem all that unusual except that he searched for me by my maiden name. Since it's (a) not really Smith and (b) long and hard to pronounce and spell, I'm guessing he really wanted to find me.
After we split up more than 15 years ago, I really, really hated him. I gradually came to realize that I was just as much to blame for my pain in that our relationship was 90% in my head. And we kept running into each other because our lives seem to be inexplicably intertwined. (We were both significantly impacted by the same college professor who is the brother of the guy who owns the bar where my husband worked.)
So now, we're emailing each other once or twice daily. Which was fine. That's definitely within my anti-social comfort level. Plus, because he knows what I've been through and vice versa, we're both aware of how broken we are in many ways. Then, today, he asked me out. Sort of. Again, I can't really tell. He's already asked me to go see The Watchmen with him but that was supposed to be because I'm the only other person he knows who has actually read the graphic novel. And he proposed at some point going to see Slum Dog since we're probably the only two people in North America who haven't seen it. But this morning, he suggested seeing Coraline. Tonight or tomorrow night. Yep, that's right, less than 24 hours notice. So that would suggest that it's NOT a date, right?
Fortunately (or not, I'm not sure!), I can't do either. I'm getting my ashes tonight, which I really need to do because I've given up red wine for Lent and I NEED to make it official. Tomorrow night, my niece is in town, who I haven't seen in a couple of months, and we're going to dinner.
So we'll see what, if anything happens, with either of these situations. Frankly, I'm just ready to get on a plane to go dig in Italy.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Playing Dumb
I'm not the smartest person on the planet and I don't always "get" things right away. But when I act like I don't understand something, it's because I really don't. My latest pet peeve is people playing clueless.
I realize that this has been around for decades, possibly centuries, but I've just started seeing it more and more at work. And we're not talking about people who pretend not to know what's going on for political reasons. I'm talking about those people who sit in meetings and nod in agreement to a request only to act completely clueless two days later when you ask them for what they promised. I can't decide whether it's laziness, forgetfullness or just sheer incompetence. But I do think it's an attempt to get out of certain tasks.
Can you imagine what a household would be like if everyone acted like that? Gee, I would have taken out the trash, but I don't know when the garbage truck comes, even though I've lived here FIVE YEARS. What? You're supposed to clean out the cat box? I thought the cat pooh fairy took care of that.
Sorry to rant. Too many faux idiots to deal with today. Maybe I'll just pretend like I don't speak English anymore. Que????
I realize that this has been around for decades, possibly centuries, but I've just started seeing it more and more at work. And we're not talking about people who pretend not to know what's going on for political reasons. I'm talking about those people who sit in meetings and nod in agreement to a request only to act completely clueless two days later when you ask them for what they promised. I can't decide whether it's laziness, forgetfullness or just sheer incompetence. But I do think it's an attempt to get out of certain tasks.
Can you imagine what a household would be like if everyone acted like that? Gee, I would have taken out the trash, but I don't know when the garbage truck comes, even though I've lived here FIVE YEARS. What? You're supposed to clean out the cat box? I thought the cat pooh fairy took care of that.
Sorry to rant. Too many faux idiots to deal with today. Maybe I'll just pretend like I don't speak English anymore. Que????
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Serenity -- or the lack thereof
I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about my summer of discontent, and she reminded me of the AA Serenity Prayer.
I don't seem to have a problem with the power to change what I can. What I can't seem to grasp is the accepting of the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. Something deep inside of me just wants to scream that everything can be changed -- even if I know it's not true. And why do I have to accept that some things are just gonna suck? I know that to not accept it is futile -- a fight against a foe that can not only not be defeated, but probably not even be wounded.
Sometimes I want to blame this all on the media. That we're somehow promised happy endings. That the dragon will be tamed, the princess rescued and the kingdom lives in peace forever and ever. But even I know that's not true. There are certain movies I can't watch because I know they contain something that will upset me for days and news reports I can't listen to because I won't be able to sleep. Heck, I'm a vegetarian as a result of something I heard on NPR. So it's not that anyone is being brainwashed.
In the end, I think it's about focus, and maybe that's the point of the prayer. That you can focus on all of the negative things in the world that you can't affect, but then you won't have the energy for the things that you can. And in the end, it's what you do -- not what you worry about -- that really matters.
Maybe that's serenity.
I don't seem to have a problem with the power to change what I can. What I can't seem to grasp is the accepting of the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. Something deep inside of me just wants to scream that everything can be changed -- even if I know it's not true. And why do I have to accept that some things are just gonna suck? I know that to not accept it is futile -- a fight against a foe that can not only not be defeated, but probably not even be wounded.
Sometimes I want to blame this all on the media. That we're somehow promised happy endings. That the dragon will be tamed, the princess rescued and the kingdom lives in peace forever and ever. But even I know that's not true. There are certain movies I can't watch because I know they contain something that will upset me for days and news reports I can't listen to because I won't be able to sleep. Heck, I'm a vegetarian as a result of something I heard on NPR. So it's not that anyone is being brainwashed.
In the end, I think it's about focus, and maybe that's the point of the prayer. That you can focus on all of the negative things in the world that you can't affect, but then you won't have the energy for the things that you can. And in the end, it's what you do -- not what you worry about -- that really matters.
Maybe that's serenity.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Musings on Music
I heard once that people tend to stop listening to new music when they were in their early 20s, and that whatever musical taste they had acquired to that point was what they were stuck with. Thank goodness that wasn't the case for me, or my friends and co-workers would be subjected to really wretched heavy metal bands.
Now, I'm actually a little embarrassed about most of the bands I liked when I was younger. My parents still have a copy of The Scarlett Letter that has most of the words to several Motley Crue songs scribbled on the inside. And I remember telling anyone who would listen in high school that I was going to name my first child KK Downing after the lead guitarist in Judas Priest. OK, so Motley Crue is much more embarrassing than Judas Priest, but still.
I'd like to say that my musical taste has gotten more respectable, but I suspect not. I can't name a song in the Top 20 and I wasn't 100% sure who Beyonce was until she married Jay Z. In fact, I'd probably be older than most of the parents if I were to attend a concert for any of my favorite bands. Although if the band members themselves are about my age, does that make it OK? The brothers Leto anyone????
Anyone else have this issue? Please tell me I'm not alone in a teenage wasteland.
Now, I'm actually a little embarrassed about most of the bands I liked when I was younger. My parents still have a copy of The Scarlett Letter that has most of the words to several Motley Crue songs scribbled on the inside. And I remember telling anyone who would listen in high school that I was going to name my first child KK Downing after the lead guitarist in Judas Priest. OK, so Motley Crue is much more embarrassing than Judas Priest, but still.
I'd like to say that my musical taste has gotten more respectable, but I suspect not. I can't name a song in the Top 20 and I wasn't 100% sure who Beyonce was until she married Jay Z. In fact, I'd probably be older than most of the parents if I were to attend a concert for any of my favorite bands. Although if the band members themselves are about my age, does that make it OK? The brothers Leto anyone????
Anyone else have this issue? Please tell me I'm not alone in a teenage wasteland.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Weight Watchers Failure
So I've got some extra poundage I want to lose. My activity level is actually pretty high, so I decided I would tackle the giant pachyderm in the room that is my eating habits.
I know many, many people who swear by Weight Watchers, so I thought I would give them a try. Again. I attempted this years ago with my sister, who lost 15 pounds, while I gained 5. (The worst part was that she had to quit because she was pregnant -- and she still lost more weight than me!)
I can't do the meeting thing because it feels too much like AA. So I tried the online version. And it's just as bad as the meetings. Why is it that when I'm counting points, all I can think about is food? I've got 21 points allocated for the day. It's 11:15, and I'm well past 15. And I haven't even had lunch yet.
Why oh why am I the only one who can't get on this bus and stay on it? I'd chalk it up to discipline, but I've got plenty of discipline when it comes to running or karate. Just not food. And absolutely not Weight Watchers. Maybe it's the name. I don't want to watch my weight. I just want to ditch a few pounds and get on with my life.
I know many, many people who swear by Weight Watchers, so I thought I would give them a try. Again. I attempted this years ago with my sister, who lost 15 pounds, while I gained 5. (The worst part was that she had to quit because she was pregnant -- and she still lost more weight than me!)
I can't do the meeting thing because it feels too much like AA. So I tried the online version. And it's just as bad as the meetings. Why is it that when I'm counting points, all I can think about is food? I've got 21 points allocated for the day. It's 11:15, and I'm well past 15. And I haven't even had lunch yet.
Why oh why am I the only one who can't get on this bus and stay on it? I'd chalk it up to discipline, but I've got plenty of discipline when it comes to running or karate. Just not food. And absolutely not Weight Watchers. Maybe it's the name. I don't want to watch my weight. I just want to ditch a few pounds and get on with my life.
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